Hermione in Wonderland
by HyperKat
Summary: Hermione + A white boy with crushed up smarties = The adventures of Hermione in Wonderland!!! PLEASE R/R!!! ((noooo, this is not a parody to Alice in Wonderland, you fandoozledork.))
1. Default Chapter

Hermione in Wonderland  
  
No, this is NOT a parody to the classic "Alice in Wonderland". Aren't you smart??? For the godawful records, I do not own Harry Potter, and I have a very irrational fear of porter potties. And, in other news, I'm wearing Lee Jordan's boxers.  
  
Lee- O.O Then THAT'S why I'm wearing this thong...  
  
~*~  
  
Hermione in Wonderland  
  
Chapter 1- The Mysterious White Powdery Substance  
  
Hermione, Ron and of course, Harry, are walking around in downtown New York. Everyone is eyeing them suspiciously.  
  
"Oy, what do you think their problem is?" Ron asked, seeing their yielding glares. "They act like they've never seen a British before!"  
  
Harry shrugs.  
  
"They're probably feeling intimidated because we have these nifty little robes and they don't." Hermione offered.  
  
They eyed the New Yorkians weird clothes.  
  
"Look at those shoes! They're so big and--- red!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"And that guy has no shirt on!" Hermione noticed.  
  
"Neither does that girl.." Harry oggled.  
  
"That guys pants are about to fall off! UGH! It's hideous!" Hermione shrieked.  
  
"Oh, it's not that bad-" Ron said, staring at the topless girl as well as Harry.  
  
They walk in silence for a few minutes.  
  
"What are we doing here, anyway?" Harry asked suddenly.  
  
They stop walking and look at each other.  
  
Ron looked dumfounded, Hermione shrugged.  
  
"Alright," Harry said and continued walking.  
  
Suddenly some white boy dressed all rap-artist-like walks up to them all coolly.  
  
"Yo, groupies- how ya'all doin, huh?" the white boy said.  
  
O.O  
  
"You need some good shyte? I can hook ya up," he holds out a bag of white powder.  
  
O.O  
  
"RAPE! MOLEST!! MAUL!!!AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione yelled.  
  
"Hey, yo this ain't like that, okay?" White boy looks around. "She's kidding, hehe-"  
  
"TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!NOOOOOOOO!!!"  
  
He drops the bag and runs off.  
  
Hermione shrugs and picks up the bag.  
  
"Hermione! What was all that about?!" Harry asked incredulously.  
  
"What was what about?"  
  
"That thing with the guy!"  
  
"You went loco, Hermi!" Ron agreed.  
  
"Well how else was I supposed to get the bag? Do you KNOW how much this amount woulda cost?" Hermione asked.  
  
O.O  
  
"What IS that stuff?" Ron and Harry asked in unison.  
  
Hermione sighed and walked over to them and whispered something in their ears.  
  
"OOOOooohhh.." Harry and Ron said.  
  
O.O  
  
"Doesn't that spread AIDS?" Asked Ron.  
  
"WHAT?! NO!" Hermione said. "Honestly, you two are ridiculous!"  
  
She examined the powder.  
  
"Yeeeaaah, well that's just shibby. Now if you don't mind, Hermione, we're off to get laid by that topless chick, alright?" Harry asked.  
  
Hermione shooed them off.  
  
"I have some plans for you, my pretty...mwahahahahhahahahahhahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione yells.  
  
People stare.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"  
  
People continue walking.  
  
Later, in a cheap motel room.  
  
"RON! HARRY!"  
  
"TOPLESS CHICK!"  
  
"TOPLESS CHICK!"  
  
Wrong motel room, cracker.  
  
Later, in a not so cheap motel room-  
  
Hermi-% - &  
  
"Ugh..I don't feel so good," she said.  
  
The bag lay empty.  
  
"THAT was NOT what I thought it was. Whew, musta been a crushed up smartie salesman again. Ugh, I feel so light-headed and confused...."  
  
She gets out a "Bookworm to New Yorkish Translator" book and flips through the pages.  
  
"I mean, I feel so...wasted. Oh well."  
  
She goes to sleep.  
  
She's falling in a worm hole....a deep, dark wormhole.  
  
She keeps falling and sees she's not landing any time soon, so she gets out a book and begins to read it.  
  
An hour later-  
  
"Wow, that was a good book!" Hermione said and looked down, no ground in sight.  
  
She shrugs and gets out a teacup and saucer.  
  
"Mm, what a lovely spot of tea! Um, I mean-" Hermione gets out her translator. "This shyte is da shiznit!!"  
  
Finally, after about 3 hours of falling, she hits the ground, which is made of peanut butter and Draco Malfoy plushies.  
  
"OOOOOOoooooh, how utterly quaint!" Blink, blink. She gets out her book. "I mean....how shibby!"  
  
Jesse and Chester walk over to her.  
  
"Dude, have you seen my car?" Jesse asks.  
  
"No, but I saw a tractor on my way down here," she says.  
  
"Wow. That's deep," Chester says.  
  
"So, where you two headed?"  
  
They shrug.  
  
"That's cool. I mean-" Checks the book. "WICKED!"  
  
They start walking and before they know it, they run into Lee Jordan.  
  
"Hey, watch where your going!" Lee yells.  
  
"Sorry!" Hermione says.  
  
Lee- O.O  
  
"I have to ask you something, Hermione," Lee said solemnly.  
  
"Okay....hey, how do you know my name? Um, I mean-" looks in her book. "How do you know my name?"  
  
"I feel kind of bad asking you for this. After all, we did just meet."  
  
"..And?"  
  
"I need something from you. I have a hunger that I have so far been unable to satisfy."  
  
"Um, Lee, what exactly are you-"  
  
"I starve more and more for it every day. I want it. I need it. I can just imagine it going in stiff and hard and coming out all soft and sticky.."  
  
"Lee!"  
  
"Do you have any gum?"  
  
Blink, blink.  
  
"Oh, sure, here ya go." Hermione reaches in her pockets. "Oh, sorry. Guess I don't."  
  
"Well do you have any money?"  
  
"No.guess we'll just have to go to the bank."  
  
"Well, I'm coming."  
  
"Alright." Hermione said.  
  
They continue to walk on.  
  
Later, at the bank-  
  
"Hey, I need some money," Hermione says to the teller.  
  
"Yeah, well I need some corn ointment. Wanna see?" asks the teller.  
  
"Well, not really..."  
  
The teller lifts her foot up, revealing a very nasty looking corn.  
  
"Wow. You know, you really should get that looked at. I had a friend once. Had one that looked like that. One thing led to another and before ya knew it, she was stealing food from midget clowns and dating Aaron Carter," Hermione said.  
  
"Wow. That's low," the teller says and hands her a sack of money.  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
They're about to leave, when who walks in, but-  
  
"ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A HOLD UP!" yells Draco, holding up a blue watergun.  
  
Gasps erupt from the bank.  
  
"Hey, who are you???" Lee asks Draco.  
  
"NONE OF YOUR BUISSINESS!"  
  
"Because I have to ask you something, and I feel kinda bad asking for it..."  
  
"I DON'T CARE!"  
  
Draco walks over to the teller.  
  
"PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!!!! PUT IT IN!!!"  
  
"Sir, I'm gonna need some I.D."  
  
"OH, sure," Draco reaches in his pocket and hands the teller his I.D. "There you go."  
  
"Will this be from your checking or savings account?"  
  
"Uh, savings."  
  
The teller hands him a sack of money.  
  
"Thanks! Bye!" Draco walks over to Hermione, Jesse, Chester and Lee.  
  
"Hey, I'm Draco. Who are you?"  
  
"Chester."  
  
"JESSE!"  
  
"Hermione."  
  
"And I'm Lee. You got anything stiff and hard?"  
  
"Um...I might?" Draco says. "So, where ya going?"  
  
They all shrug.  
  
"Can I come?"  
  
"Alright," Hermione says and they all leave.  
  
~*~  
  
Woohoo! All done. ^.^  
  
Lee Jordan- I say it might be your best work yet....except for "When the Script is Thrown Away."  
  
Your right, Lee. It was a great first chapter.  
  
Lee- I love you.  
  
Aww, I love you too.  
  
Blink, blink.  
  
Lee- Tree or ground??  
  
Tree. Let's go.  
  
They ride off into the sunset...again.  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! 


	2. Barney!

Hermione in Wonderland...  
  
Hehe, I was going to make this chapter like Alice in Wonderland, but after I read it, I realized it's more like the Wizard of Fonz. Err, The Wizard of Oz. You know, what with the different people frolicking off to find different thingies. Me and my logic.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Hola!!! Well, after the gigantic 3 reviews I got on the first chapter, I got a sudden burst of inspiration. Wow, this is great. I'm actually getting reviews. ^.^ Chya! You really love me, don't you??  
  
Lee Jordan- I do!!  
  
Well, I knew that, I was asking the readers at home.  
  
Lee- Where?  
  
There!  
  
Both- *stares at you*  
  
Ahem, but anyway, I don't own Harry Potter. I DO own Lee Jordan, though.  
  
Lee- *wink,wink*  
  
*wink,wink*  
  
Lee- TREES!!! *they run off together...into the sunset...again.*  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 2,  
  
Hermione, Lee, Draco, Jesse and Chester were walking through Wonderland. Hermione was trying to find her home. Lee was looking for some hard, stiff and delicious gum. Jesse and Chester were looking for their car. Draco was just kind of there.  
  
Suddenly, they bump into Mrs.Norris.  
  
"Oh, hello!" Says Mrs.Norris, her voice surprising exactly like Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Hello, little kitty! What's your name?" asks Lee.  
  
"I'm Toto!"  
  
"You look like a Mrs.Norris," says Hermione.  
  
"Hmm. That's odd! So, where are you going?"  
  
They all shrug and tell Toto what they're looking for.  
  
"Hm..you should go see the Fonz!"  
  
"The Fonz?" asks Draco.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Alright," they all say in unison and continue walking, Toto at their heels.  
  
"Oh, I just NEED some gum!!!" Lee shrieks.  
  
Hermione reaches in her pocket, "Oh no! I seem to have misplaced my sack of money!  
  
Draco casually slips a sack of money into his pants.  
  
"Now how am I going to get my gum?!" Lee asks, flipping out.  
  
They all shrug.  
  
They keep walking until they come upon a Barney and Friends scenario.  
  
"Dude, where are we, dude?" Jesse asks.  
  
"Dude..I don't know, dude," Chester said, obviously disgusted. "But I am obviously disgusted."  
  
Didn't I just say that?  
  
"Dude, who are you, dude?"  
  
Actually, it's dude-ette. And I am the author; Katie.  
  
"Do you have any gum????" Lee asks.  
  
No.  
  
"Oh, why?!"  
  
Well, I do, but if I gave you any, it would ruin your sole purpose in this story.  
  
"So?"  
  
Do I have to come down there?!  
  
"..Yes?"  
  
Alright then. *snaps*  
  
She comes down to the Barney scenario in a helicopter, closely followed by a limo. She climbs down a ladder into the limo and has her bodyguard open the door for her.  
  
"Chya! Behold, it is I; Katie, the author. Happy?"  
  
Lee nods and they keep on walking, but are stopped by a security guard.  
  
"You are not aloud back here! We are in the middle of taping Barney & Friends!"  
  
"Excuse me," says Katie. "But do you have any idea who I am? I created you!"  
  
"You ain't my momma and you certainly ain't my daddy! Now move along!"  
  
They all walk to a t.v. set, Katie grumbling, which is Broadcasting the Barney & Friends episode.  
  
"So, after we brush our teeth, what should we do, Harry?" Barney asks Harry.  
  
"WE SHOULD FLOSS! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, RON?!"  
  
"WHY, YES, HARRY! IT IS!" screams Ron.  
  
"That's right, boys and girls!" Barney says. "For the best chance at getting laid, always have a bright and shiney smile! Like Oliver Wood, for example!"  
  
Oliver- *grin, sparkle, sparkle*  
  
"Just look at HIS teeth! I'll bet HE gets laid all the time! So, remember-"  
  
"BRUSH AND FLOSS EVERYDAY!" They say in unison.  
  
"CUT!" Some guy says and Harry and Ron's smiles instantly turn to a nasty frown and they leave the stage.  
  
"That was just plain creepy," Draco says.  
  
"Oh my god! This is it!" Lee says.  
  
"What's it?" Asks Hermione.  
  
"We are FINALLY going to see who's in the Barney suit!"  
  
They all gasp and stare at Barney.  
  
He reaches up- grasps his head- begins to take it off, and-  
  
Suddenly, a dressing cart thingie rolls in front of him, and then when it rolls away, Barney is gone.  
  
"NOOO!" they yell.  
  
"Oi, what are you doing here?!" Harry inquired.  
  
"I dunno, what are you doing here?" Hermione asked.  
  
Harry shrugged. "I need a new job."  
  
"Well come with us!" Lee yelled.  
  
"Yeah!" Hermione shrieked. "Were going to see the Fonz!"  
  
"The Fonz?" Ron asks, coming up behind Harry.  
  
"Yeah!" They yelled in unison.  
  
"I need to get home," said Hermione.  
  
"I need some gum," said Lee.  
  
"We need to find our car," Jesse said and Chester nodded.  
  
"I need a mate!" Piped up Mrs.Norris...aka Toto.  
  
"And I'm kind of just here," said Draco.  
  
"Hmmm. What do you think, Ron?" Asked Harry.  
  
"Alright. Let's go get that job!" Ron yelled as Barney walked by, the top of his costume missing. Nobody saw it. -.- Aren't they brilliant?  
  
"Oooooooh, were off to see the-" Chester begins, but is silenced by Katie's whacking him with a newspaper.  
  
"NO singing. This is MY story, and I say, silence!" she snaps.  
  
"Why are you so..you?" asks Hermione.  
  
"Well, about 4 minutes ago in my story, When the Script is Thrown Away, I lost the love of my life and dove into denial. And, as author of all you people, I demand that you do so also by being cranky and angry."  
  
Hermione- :-( "But, that's not-"  
  
"Now your getting the hang of it!" Katie says. "Everyone!"  
  
Everyone, except Draco- :-(  
  
"Oh, what, are you too good to be pissed?"  
  
"No, its just that-" Draco begins.  
  
"Good! I-  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
THE END! Watch out for the next-  
  
"Hey! I wasn't done!"  
  
Yes, but the author is very very un-inspired and depressed right now and doesn't feel like going on.  
  
"Oh, well..wait, I'm the author!"  
  
No, I am. You are just a false icon used to portray me. And might I say, your doing a very bad job of it.  
  
"...."  
  
Alright then. Anyways, as I was saying, this is over. Joy. Impudence. Depression. Nothingness. -.-  
  
Lee Jordan- Aww, baby, you alright?  
  
Nastiness.  
  
Lee Jordan- ?? 


End file.
